Fall Down

As fall comes around again, many things have become very clear to me. Just like the leaves, I’ve fallen. I’ve let go of so much, and I’ve floated carelessly for days on end. Because of these things, I’ve decided to come back to my blog, because it always made me feel better when I was down. This post will have two parts. Falling, and being down.

Being down should come first. For the first time in my life, I’ve experienced some serious depression during this season. It’s not my usual seasonal mood disorder, or whatever that is called. It was real, wanting to die, hating everyone, struggling to get out of bed depression.From this, I’ve learned several things, and I want to share them, in case any of you are going through a hard time right now, or any time.

  1. Medication, as much as it may suck, is sometimes necessary. I honestly don’t know if I would still be on this planet if it weren’t for the anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication I am on.
  2. Having a support system that is actually there for you even without you asking them to be, is so so important. My roommate, my best friend, Amanda, and my family mean everything to me, especially after everything I’ve been through recently.
  3. School is a synonym for hell, but it isn’t going to kill you. You’re not dying because of school, and attendance to your classes, whether it’s mandatory or not, will determine whether you succeed or not. Just do it. Especially if its already paid for.
  4. Wanting to die is a feeling nobody should ever have to experience, and unfortunately so many people feel that way every day. I remember my freshman year of college, I had a scare with one of my siblings feeling this way and it broke me. During my year long break from school, my best friend went through it, and it broke me. But now that I’ve gone through it, they were there to fix me. I was broken, and they did everything they could to make me feel better and they honestly saved me. So thank you to any of you who talked me off my ledge (B) if you’re reading this.
  5. If you ever need someone to talk to, I don’t care who you are, what you’ve done, or what you’re going through, I am here to talk to anyone. Message me, comment on this, look me up on Facebook (Shevelle Lee), and I will be there for you. I’ll talk to you, about anything.

The next subject is falling. Similar to my grades and my bank account and the leaves, I fell this semester. I fell to my lowest place. I also fell in love a million times with a million people, things, stories, skies and weirdly, AP style writing. I struggled a lot in school this semester, and I had three teachers who reached out to me, took my hand, and pulled me towards success. They’ve done everything that they could to make sure I’m not a failure, and honestly, thinking about it makes me cry a little bit. Here’s a small shout out to M, Dr. B, and Dr. T.  You three saved me. Even if that mean I had to give up the Oxford comma that I have dearly enjoyed since I learned it existed. I’ve fallen back in love with school. I hate it, still, because it gives me so much anxiety that sometimes after my classes I have to lay in bed and just breathe for awhile, but I’ve fallen back in love with learning. I’ve gotten back to my love of writing. I’ve grown fond of being around classmates, even if they don’t necessarily interact with me much, except for G, who sits to my right and shares understanding smiles with me, K, who is just beautiful, kind and love-able, and A, who isn’t from Nebraska and whose opinions just bring joy to my heart. I’ve gotten excited again about getting a degree, and I’ve gotten excited for my future jobs. I’ve job shadowed some wonderful people, and I’ve volunteered with some amazing people in a very unique setting. (If you’re ever in Lincoln, Nebraska, visit the Larsen Tractor Test Museum.)

Thank you for reading, and thank you for the continued support despite my absence from my blog since school has started. It’s been a rough couple of months, and my bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, and depression haven’t helped, but I’m still willing to keep moving forwards towards better things, and I hope you are too.

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I’m an Alien

You have an inner dialogue. You have a voice inside your head that speaks your thoughts. I do not. I have no inner voice or person. I read my thoughts like words off of a page inside of my head. This is why I think I am an alien. 

My thoughts come indifferent forms. Fun facts are usually words on post it notes. Conversation comes across in my head the way you’d read a script or dialogue in a book. I see all sorts of different voices, but I don’t hear them. I know most people do. And I hear normal voices but I don’t hear the inner voices. 

Am I an alien? Maybe.  

Prior

I’m getting a puppy. Given, if you know me at all in person you’re already very aware of this. But, as the date comes fast approaching that he’s old enough for me to take him home, and as I spend time around other dogs, it’s going to be a lot of work I’m realizing. 

Here’s a couple of things that I know are going to change. 

1. I’m going to have to be home way more often. As of now, I am never home, but a puppy needs a home. 

2. All of my extra money is going to go to Prior. I feel broke now, but puppies are expensive. 

3. Puppy play dates and cute pictures nonstop coming my way. That’s exciting. 

4. I’m going to be responsible for a life other than my own and my rad fish, jupiter’s. 

So that’s all a little frightening, but guys, I am so excited I might explode. 

Adventuring; A Beginner’s Guide to Lincoln

I used to do nothing but party, and I thought that was the only way to have fun, but recently, I’ve discovered a way better past time that’s much more rewarding. Adventuring has become a daily ritual for me, or at least something that I do absolutely as often as possible. Moving to Lincoln has left me with endless opportunities to explore and adventure so I figured I would share a couple of my favorite places to adventure with a small explanation of each in hopes to inspire more people to give up a life of partying for a life of adventure and real fun.

  1. My most recent adventures have been to Wilderness Park, which is easy to find on google maps, I believe it’s on NW 1st street. You park in a small lot, and pick a path, then just wander. My advice is to pay attention whenever you come to a fork in the path, as it’s easy to get lost, but luckily a lot of the paths lead to the same place. There’s miles of trails to hike, bridges to cross, and if you’re lucky, a myth about a witch to experience. Bring bug spray. I’m going to say that again, BRING BUG SPRAY. Water is always a good idea, too. Grab some friends, and go get lost.
  2. My favorite place in Lincoln is Densmore, which I’m sure there is a legal way to get too, but I wouldn’t know what it is. I get there by parking at the very back of the farthest parking lot of the Cooper YMCA, then follow the path behind the baseball fields, cross the railroad tracks, and follow the old rail road path until I get to the second bridge. It’s covered in graffiti. There’s also high way bridges with a bunch of cool graffiti even further, and although I haven’t seen it since the first time I went there my senior year, I believe there’s an abandoned archery range. Anyway, BRING BUG SPRAY. Enjoy the graffiti, walk over the bridges, enjoy the river. It’s beautiful.
  3. The next neat place is Hippie Cliffs. I’ve posted pictures of it before, but to get there you go to Pioneers park, drive down to a little lake, and there’s a tiny, barely noticeable path that leads back into the woods towards the quarry kind of. You follow a path and then there are cliffs to climb, another railroad bridge covered in graffiti to enjoy, old cars with stakes through them holding back the bank, and a few paths into the trees to explore. If you find the right one, you can end up in a clearing where you can see the quarry. Climb to the top of Hippie Cliffs, and there’s a fallen over tree, it’s safe to walk out on, I promise, and the view is totally worth it. Also, last time I was there I saw an unidentifiable animal that vaguely resembled a raccoon. So be on the lookout for neat wildlife. Oh, also, BRING BUG SPRAY.

There’s plenty more places and parks to adventure, those three are just my favorites. If you’re ever in Lincoln and wanting to go adventuring, let me know. I’ll gladly guide you to any of these places and we can go on the adventure together.

The Girl I Used to Be

I used to sit around waiting to receive flowers, then I learned to pick my own. That is the exact epitome of the past few years for me. I learned that life isn’t some Disney fairytale or romantic movie where some perfect prince is going to come in and take care of me. I learned that even with the perfect guy, life is better the more you care for yourself and love yourself. Self care and confidence are the two most important things to being happy, with or without someone. So pick your own damn flowers. 🌺 🌹 

Other self care tips,

Pay attention to the little things and be forever grateful for each blessing in your life. 

Remember, you’re in control of your future and pay attention to your strengths and use them to better your life. 

Surround yourself with people who build you up and make you feel more empowered. 

Eat healthy, exercise, practice good hygiene, and exercise your spirituality, be it religious or not. 

Take time to do whatever it is that makes your soul feel most at peace. 

Find ways to better yourself as frequently as possible. Don’t forget to keep growing as a person. 

Do whatever it takes to make yourself happy first, then worry about the people around you. Feed your own fire to burn brighter for others. 

Cling to What is Good

Like breakfast foods at midnight,

Like sunshine on a rainy day,

Like a flower growing out of a crack in the concrete,

Like violently fiery pink clouds in front of a sunrise,

Like a shooting star on a dark night,

Like finding five dollars while doing laundry,

Find the good in beautifully out of place places. 
Like lazy Sunday mornings full of sunshine,

Like glowbugs in the early evening,

Like forehead kisses as you’re waking up,

Like a secret exchange of a mischievous smirk,

Like Saturday nights out with your best friends,

Like holding your hand in the car on long drives,

Hold the good little things in life close. 
Like zip-lining down a volcano in Hawaii,

Like driving your brand new Lexus,

Like making a life long friend,

Like getting to spend a day with everyone you love,

Like putting your toes in the ocean and feeling it in your soul,

Like finally going to bed after the worlds longest day,

Find the good in life, and cling to it. 

To My Best Friends

You’re worth so much more than gold to me. I just want you to know that. Once you’re in my life, and I love you, I’ll do anything for you. I’ll always be there, in as many ways and as much as I possibly can. The only thing is, occasionally I know you get down. I know you get down on yourself and on your life and it breaks my heart, because you’re the entire universe in one little drop of human. Your eyes are wild fires and your soul is made of stardust. Your wars are my wars, and we’re warriors so we’ll never lose. You heart is sunshine and your laugh is glittering light shining through the darkest dark. This earth needs people like you. They need the beautiful laughter, and the little boosts of confidence yougive those around you, and the brightness that shines from within you. The world is dark, but you’re like the moon, chasing the night away without disrupting peace. 

I’d kill for you. I’d jump off a bridge for you. You deserve the entire world and more and I don’t ever want you to forget your worth, so if the dark days ever get to be too much, come to me. I’ll help you find your light again. I love you guys.