As fall comes around again, many things have become very clear to me. Just like the leaves, I’ve fallen. I’ve let go of so much, and I’ve floated carelessly for days on end. Because of these things, I’ve decided to come back to my blog, because it always made me feel better when I was down. This post will have two parts. Falling, and being down.
Being down should come first. For the first time in my life, I’ve experienced some serious depression during this season. It’s not my usual seasonal mood disorder, or whatever that is called. It was real, wanting to die, hating everyone, struggling to get out of bed depression.From this, I’ve learned several things, and I want to share them, in case any of you are going through a hard time right now, or any time.
- Medication, as much as it may suck, is sometimes necessary. I honestly don’t know if I would still be on this planet if it weren’t for the anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication I am on.
- Having a support system that is actually there for you even without you asking them to be, is so so important. My roommate, my best friend, Amanda, and my family mean everything to me, especially after everything I’ve been through recently.
- School is a synonym for hell, but it isn’t going to kill you. You’re not dying because of school, and attendance to your classes, whether it’s mandatory or not, will determine whether you succeed or not. Just do it. Especially if its already paid for.
- Wanting to die is a feeling nobody should ever have to experience, and unfortunately so many people feel that way every day. I remember my freshman year of college, I had a scare with one of my siblings feeling this way and it broke me. During my year long break from school, my best friend went through it, and it broke me. But now that I’ve gone through it, they were there to fix me. I was broken, and they did everything they could to make me feel better and they honestly saved me. So thank you to any of you who talked me off my ledge (B) if you’re reading this.
- If you ever need someone to talk to, I don’t care who you are, what you’ve done, or what you’re going through, I am here to talk to anyone. Message me, comment on this, look me up on Facebook (Shevelle Lee), and I will be there for you. I’ll talk to you, about anything.
The next subject is falling. Similar to my grades and my bank account and the leaves, I fell this semester. I fell to my lowest place. I also fell in love a million times with a million people, things, stories, skies and weirdly, AP style writing. I struggled a lot in school this semester, and I had three teachers who reached out to me, took my hand, and pulled me towards success. They’ve done everything that they could to make sure I’m not a failure, and honestly, thinking about it makes me cry a little bit. Here’s a small shout out to M, Dr. B, and Dr. T. You three saved me. Even if that mean I had to give up the Oxford comma that I have dearly enjoyed since I learned it existed. I’ve fallen back in love with school. I hate it, still, because it gives me so much anxiety that sometimes after my classes I have to lay in bed and just breathe for awhile, but I’ve fallen back in love with learning. I’ve gotten back to my love of writing. I’ve grown fond of being around classmates, even if they don’t necessarily interact with me much, except for G, who sits to my right and shares understanding smiles with me, K, who is just beautiful, kind and love-able, and A, who isn’t from Nebraska and whose opinions just bring joy to my heart. I’ve gotten excited again about getting a degree, and I’ve gotten excited for my future jobs. I’ve job shadowed some wonderful people, and I’ve volunteered with some amazing people in a very unique setting. (If you’re ever in Lincoln, Nebraska, visit the Larsen Tractor Test Museum.)
Thank you for reading, and thank you for the continued support despite my absence from my blog since school has started. It’s been a rough couple of months, and my bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, and depression haven’t helped, but I’m still willing to keep moving forwards towards better things, and I hope you are too.