Its Been Awhile Now

The memories that pop up on your facebook and show you what you did on that day in the previous years are usually a fun, gentle reminder of how I was doing a year or two back since that’s all the further back mine goes. Yesterday, though fun and gentle weren’t the words I would use to describe the memories and I started my day off with my roommate consoling me over a wide range of emotions.

A year and one day ago, it was my half birthday, which is also usually a pretty special day for me because I half celebrate every year. Last year though, I celebrated by getting engaged. The proposal was perfect, involved my beloved cow, Munchkin, my older brother, Jayden, and I’d never been happier in my life.

Months passed and the relationship didn’t work out. I wish I could say it was for normal reasons, or that I escaped some sort of trouble some relationship that I didn’t belong, but I can’t tell you why the relationship didn’t work out because I honestly do not know. I don’t know if it was the result of my bipolar disorder that was undiagnosed at the time, or if I was just too scared and too young; I have no solid idea.

It’s been awhile now since I’ve heard from him, though he keeps in touch with my family because they were his family basically too and he is my brother’s best friend. I hear he’s doing well. All these emotions pouring over me since being reminded of my happiest day with him made me realize several things through.

  1. The most recent relationship I got out of was abusive and leaving it was the best decision I’ve ever made. Punches to your emotions are just as damaging as punches to your face.
  2. I hope my ex fiance is doing well, I wish him the best, and I hope he finds happiness.
  3. Until I figure myself out, I do believe that I am incapable of being in a healthy relationship, because in the end, it’ll either have to end or last and I’m not prepared for either of those out comes in any relationship.

So it’s been awhile since I got engaged, it’s been awhile since that relationship ended, there’s been a new one since, and it’s started to be a little while since that one has ended as well. For the next while, I think it’ll just be me, figuring out who I am, why I’m here, and what I’m doing before I involve anyone else.

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